Unless your query concerns inflammable materials currently engulfed in said flames you’ve likely wasted their time – in fact, you may have even wasted your own. One of my favorite side-effects of working remotely is the way slow-time communication forces you to stop and think before you speak. When I have a question for one of our programmers, for example, here’s a bit of what goes through my head:

The basic idea is this: you try to minimize the things that are bad, and maximize those that are good.

It’s usually at this point that I either figure out the answer for myself or come up with a new way of considering the problem, never having to even ask the original question. I didn’t bother my co-worker, I didn’t look like an idiot trying to articulate the question on-the-fly, and most importantly I figured out the answer!

People who struggle to work remotely often bemoan the lack of in-person collaboration jumping from this tool to that tech in an effort to recreate the magic that only happens when we’re all in the same room. There are definitely advantages to face time, but too often it seems like facial expressions and waving arms are substituted for clear thought and courtesy.

The next time you have a question for a coworker, try writing it out as if they were 1000 miles and 3 time zones away – even if they’re sitting right next to you. You might surprise yourself with the answer.

Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

The Last Temptation of Homer

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

• I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
• Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
• Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
• Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Thank you, steal again. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

1. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
2. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Hurricane Neddy

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

Rosebud

Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! I hope I didn’t brain my damage. We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

• You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
• Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
• Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

A Fish Called Selma

Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Jesus must be spinning in his grave! I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

The Last Temptation of Homer

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

1. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
2. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
3. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!

Hurricane Neddy

Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

Sir Lancelot

Bring her forward! The nose? Burn her! The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.

• And this isn’t my nose. This is a false one.
• What do you mean?
• Well, how’d you become king, then?
• Shut up!

I’m not dead!

I have to push the pram a lot. But you are dressed as one… I have to push the pram a lot. On second thoughts, let’s not go there. It is a silly place. I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now leave before I am forced to taunt you a second time!

I’m not dead!

Well, how’d you become king, then? I dunno. Must be a king. Well, I didn’t vote for you.

1. Well, we did do the nose.
2. Well, how’d you become king, then?
3. Be quiet!

First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin

You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! Well, I didn’t vote for you. The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. It’s only a model.

Let’s Give the Boy a Hand

I’m real proud of you for coming, bro. I know you hate funerals. Watching ice melt. This is fun. Like a sloth. I can do that.

• Somehow, I doubt that. You have a good heart, Dexter.
• I’m a sociopath; there’s not much he can do for me.

Slack Tide

I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo. You look…perfect. I am not a killer. Tonight’s the night. And it’s going to happen again and again. It has to happen. I’m doing mental jumping jacks.

Seeing Red

Under normal circumstances, I’d take that as a compliment. Rorschach would say you have a hard time relating to others. I’ve lived in darkness a long time. Over the years my eyes adjusted until the dark became my world and I could see. Tell him time is of the essence.

1. Under normal circumstances, I’d take that as a compliment.
2. Finding a needle in a haystack isn’t hard when every straw is computerized.
3. I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo.

Hello Bandit

I’m partial to air conditioning. He taught me a code. To survive. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece. And I’m not even sure what the picture should be. Keep your mind limber.